I have thought I was in love 3 times now. But, what really is "love"?
Everyone has their own idea and point of view that's wrapped up in conditions and a lot of complicated drama-most of the time. I finally came to terms that I was actually in love, with zero conditions. It was a weird realization. It was like, what is this? What has happened? I'm fucking accepting this person-as is. At first I was confused and then, it was like I was struck by lightning. Someone that I care so much about, that I truly and honestly accepted him for all of his faults and flaws. Sounds so simple. Right? Everyone should have this. It was fucking beautiful.
Never in my life had I connected so well with someone spiritually and sexually. Simultaneously! We are so similar, but then so opposite at times. Our set of flaws, don't overlap one another and we have the possibilities of being something so fucking magnificent. Some people call it a soul mate, but I called mine, my twin flame. There was this weird running into each other over the past 17 years and a feeling of just "knowing" one another. We lived separate lives for years and neither harped on our past meeting. We had relationships and both of us have lived in other states. Some of the same states in fact, but never at the same time, and we were totally unaware of such "missed connections". And both have had significant life events right after losing touch and right before finding one another again. All of which, is by definition the twin flame connection. But with my research, I have come to understand that there is a fatal flaw in the twin flame connection. One is a, "runner". Even though, both of you know that you are meant to be, because ultimately, you are actually one soul, that has been split. One gets scared. Afraid of it all, and runs. Sometimes they stop, sometimes not.
I have never felt such love, compassion and acceptance for another human being, in my entire life. It felt like my heart exploded. But, in the best way possible. And he's afraid. He is scared of what it means. And with all of his positive qualities, there is a huge problem in what I thought was my perfect man. He is so fixated on his flaws (one specific one), that he doesn't believe he deserves my love. Or anyone's in fact. So much so, that he would rather attempt to hurt me, than rather face his fears and acknowledge his faults and work through them. Own up to it. I'm not asking him to change or even take action on these specific faults. But, to acknowledge and accept HIMSELF. He would rather me hate him, then do that. That is a lot of self hate and what I envision a true hell on earth to really be. Not only being assaulted by outside influences, but from your own personal inner demons that you're too scared to acknowledge, let alone fight. But, what can I do? I want to help him. But, he needs to want to help himself and that apparently, that isn't going to happen. At least not now. Maybe in another 17 years? I don't know. All I do know is, seeing someone I care so deeply about, be in so much pain, actually hurts me. It breaks my heart.
But, that's love? The real stuff. I think so.
Live and Let Live.
So, with a broken heart, what is there to do? Well, I cried a lot (obviously), and will continue to cry. But, I have gotten back into my meditation practice and daily yoga which immensely helps! But, I also eat potato chips. Because hell...they're freaking delicious. Something about that fried little potato piece all crunchy and covered in salt, is a total band aid to this little gal's broken heart. Sure it's only temporary, but I'll take it for now. I'll take anything that helps me right now. All the helps! ALL OF THEM.
But, why not make a delicious dip, to drag those salty tasty wafers through? Done!
I have yet to go REAL grocery shopping still since I've returned from my travels. I'm planning on maybe the 15th? Eating out of my freezer has been pretty fun. I have homemade soups, pecan pie, shrimp, calzones....you name it. I have it. I'm not going to starve and it's good to make room for some new stuff anyway. Plus, the less I have to work with, the more exciting it is to cook. Is that weird? I almost thrive being poor. I'm a little bizarre. But, I also have a shit load of onions. So, here is another onion recipe and am sorry, it is back to back of the onion soup. Cut me a break-it took everything in me to pull my sad little sack self off the couch and away from a full day marathon of Fleabag on Amazon, but I did it. Hooray! See, there is some hope at the end of the tunnel. Well, the season ended. So, there's that too...
Serves: 4, or
just 1 broken hearted lady that really needs to wash her hair (don't judge me)
1 brick of Cream Cheese-softened to room temp
2 Large onions chopped in half and thinly sliced (half moons)
2-3 TBS EVOO or Ghee (I tried it two different times and they were both equally delicious)
S & P (black and white)
1/2 Cup Sour Cream
2 TBS Worcestershire (or a vegetarian alternative)
1 TBS Granulated Garlic
1/4 C Mayo
Melt oil (or ghee) in pan and throw onions in. Season with salt and peppers. Toss well.
Cook on low for about an hour and stirring once every 20 minutes, till onions are starting to carmelize.
In your stand mixer, add the cream cheese, sour cream, add worcestershire, garlic and mayo. Once combined well, add the cooked onions. Season again if necessary. Just remember that You'll be eating this dip with salty chips, so don't get too carried away.
Plus, the tears add more salt too. Aw.
Scoop till your little heart's content. Serve with veggies if you want to be healthy or something and keep your chin up!
It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all....or whatever that fucking garbage is.